I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
