i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He better not be in your backpack
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
