So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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