Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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