Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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