my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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