You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
