She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
