i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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