In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
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