____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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