Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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