I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
