i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize