We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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