Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
