for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
