I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
you will always have a special place in my vag
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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