Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
