i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
