Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Randomize
