we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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