No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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