Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize