my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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