So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
