You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
