I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
