get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
