The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
