did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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