either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm just crazy horny about you
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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