Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
If I die, sorry about rent.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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