nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
