Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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