A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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