I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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