I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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