I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
