why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I didn't notice because vodka
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
