i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
