I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
