I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
