how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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