And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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