The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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