i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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