Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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