I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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