Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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