bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
