Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
