You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
