You're so nebulous sometimes
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Someone shattered a urinal.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
