if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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