i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
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