I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
