she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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