I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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