she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
