i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
MIDGETS
????
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
