I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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