I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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