I think my fart just growled at me.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
